On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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