A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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