he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I understand Curling. That high.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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