watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
