toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
