My nipple is on Facebook.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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