my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
