When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize
