just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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