Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
