Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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