It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
