i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
