a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
