Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
