i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
