My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm too high and old for this...
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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