so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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