I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
