Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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