I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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