I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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