Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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