i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
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