The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
this hospital has no fireball
Dicks are not precious.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
