rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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