A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
