My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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