Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
