i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
