im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
