i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
