You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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