The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
