So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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