i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
