smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
