just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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