Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
