Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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