I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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