Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
