You really coming over, don't trick.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
