i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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