I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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