Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
That's when you crack a 10am beer
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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