She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
