in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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