i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
