Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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