So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
