i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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